Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The day my life forever changed or How I became a Angels mommy,

Andy and I were married on March 20,1999,The first day of spring a time of new beginings,In May of that year.Mothers day I remember praying to God that he would make me a moma by next mothers day!! In my mind I was thinking more along the lines of just finding out that we were going to be parents,BUT God had other plans and by fathers day we found out we were in fact pregnant!!!!!!!!! Well we made it to the 12 week mark,We were safe,At about 20 weeks we found it was a girl!!!!!!!!!!! So we began getting ready setting up her room.Picking out names,All the things new parents do.Then on Nov,22.I woke up in a panic something was wrong,I could place it,I then relized that she hadn't she moved all weekend,So I put a call in to the doc,and they just said to come the next morining and they would do a non stress to see what was up.So we get up the next day and go in.Im going to be blunt from here on out forgive anything that may offend you,But this is what happened and how I feel.I walked in to the pit of hell,The nurse (Jane) was a beast talikg about how Crying wolf wasnt nice and that all I was trying to do was to get a sono,as she strapped on the montor for the non stress test.Well no heart beat could be found so she snapped the leads off.Slapping me with them in the process!!!
Talking about how I still wasnt going to get the sono she was going to go the OBs doppler and prove to me that the baby was ok!! I remember thanking GOD !! I guess she heard me cause her mood changed kinda,I over heard to convo in the hall,About crying wolf and sono,Well she came back and said well your going to get your sono anyway,Lucky you kinda snotty.So off we went around the conner to the sono.The tech was awful quite that day.As she scanned my belly that day,Then she dropped the probe and without a word left the room,She came back with my ob.and started whispering to him pointing at the screen,I saw all the color drain from his face,Then he sat down and said something like it had been 5 years and couldnt believe it happened and was happening to MEE!! Then the words he said that my baby was gone.It was then that my brain comperhend what my heart already knew,I was 26 weeks PG,A room ready to go,My baby was gone.We went home and packed a bag,To go get ready to deliver this baby.I got checked in about 3 PM and an Angel named Katie yes that her real name came to my bed side and told me her story of her Angel baby and said in a year I would be back and everything would be OK!!! Katie was the Angel her words got through the hell that was waiting on me,We got the ball rolling about 7 that night,That one failed as did 2 others so any way about 24 hours later,At 7 they move from the gates of hell,I should mention I was in a room at the end of a long dark hallway out of everybody site.(I was depressing)?????? and oh my it was like Thanksgiving and they didnt want nothing spoiled.I just been told my baby has died and you treat me like this????? you would think a little compassion would have been nice BUT NONE WAS to be found anyway I went from the gates of hell to the PIT.I saw the devil himself that night,In a form of 2 nurses.What happened here maybe graphic and hard to believe but it did happen,

I was moved to a LDR (Pit of Hell).the started a new drug and anyway that wasnt working and about 11:15 my ob came in and basicaly said that everything had faile he was going to shut everything down and see we were tommrow,We were going to discuss a c sec,Anyway he left a mom was pushing and needed him.I ask for a EPI it had been 16 hours labor and nothing was happening.I was tired.and wanted to sleep.I ask the nurse she rolled her eyes said it would be 2 hours for him to get to me,more imporant people,aka women with live babies came first,
So after she left We did the only thing we could do and that was pray that God move a mountain.A 9 hour mountain!!!
Thats how long my ob said that it would be,So thats like a CM of dialtion a hour?????? Ok so anyway we prayed and I pass out,I wake up about 15 mints with the earge to PUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! we call the nurses in they are like shut the heck up you just gotta pea,and say they are going to cath me so my butt will leave them alone!!!!!!! Ok so they check nurse 1 to 2nd nurse uhhhhhh head shes like no,She said yes.Shes like how,Then with one push she was out born into Jesus' arms,They wrap her up in dirty towels and sheets.and carry her across the hall to the dirty liens closet,They say just to hang tight and let the hall clear they were busy that night with lots of joyus famliys and new babys andthey didnt want me stealing their joy,(YES That was said) about 2am they moved me,back to the pit,the demons were back ulgier than ever.grabbed me up threw me into a chair and started spewing stuff about how I had gotten myself into trouble and it wasnt their job to clean up my mess .at that moment in time I felt like I just had some back alley abortion in the 1960s,My baby was dead.Gone and they treated me like scum.I got moved and had anther awful nurse its now Thanksgiving day.By the way and they ignore me,I hear the chatter in the hall way talking about how the wish the witch in room ***** would just leave shes soooooooooo depreasing,They were talking about me!!!!!!!!!! So then devil girl #4 comes in the social worker comes in,nurses at the nurses stationa ask her what she doing shes like nuttin this wont take long,I got lunch on the table and I got it to it,She comes in arms crossed says your baby is disfigured I dont advise you see her and leaves the room.I never saw my baby,never got a foot print nuttin it was like she never was.
She was burried that Sat,I made the mistake of going to my grandparents to eat as the chatted about what stores they were going to hit the next day,Black Friday,,I had just lost the one thing in my life that I had always wanted,and yall talk like this here I am dying or felt like it,My chest had been ripped from me stomped and handed back to me,I felt betrayed and ashamed,almost like I had been rapped.I just wanted to go home and bar the windows and doors hide under the covers till noons day,I did go to her funrel and then I did go and stay I didnt leave or go anywhere for a very long time,I stayed in the dark,.It was never dark enough,I HATED THE LIGHT,.As the days grew I got to where I felt like well maybe I could go to walmart NOPE! A newborn was there,it cried the whole time!! the mother did nothing.I broke down,Not pretty,Things did get better,God begin to work,I got to were I could stand to be around kids again without crying and in June of 2000 we found out we were PG again and on FEB 9 2001.at what should have been her big sis first bday,Brooke came into our life all 7lbs 2oz of her.

I have gone back to the pits of hell.I came out with my dear sweet Katelynn Elizabeth,Katie is a angel just like the nurse that was the Angel in my hell,She was just sent during our sec.vist in hell those of you who know Brookes story know the hell Im talking about,

As for Jane She came to me and we have made admends,(not her real name!!) I forgave her.I would love to have a chance to set down with the others too and show them what God did for me and how he has blessed me!!!!!!
But Katies name is her real name!!!!!!!! I admire her and consider her a Angel I thank God for her,Without her I dont think I would have the strenght to carry on.Katie if you ever read this THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH,

Im going to close now if you have any questions feel free to ask,Im not afraid to answer anything,Im very open about this

Angel Hope bornstill on Nov 24,1999 at 11:45 PM

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

Author Unknown

1 comment:

Drewe Llyn said...

I'm speechless, and I'm appalled! To suffer such a tragic loss and then be treated like that. I'm so, so sorry!